Mr. B........,

 

The time has finally come for me to let go of my anger, hurt and frustration as well as feelings of being betrayed by you. I've carried my hatred for you close to my heart for over a decade, constantly remembering, reliving, refreshing it to keep it's fire fed for the confrontation with you. One that I have strategically planned for in eager anticipation. My goal, was to manipulate and hurt you in more ways than you did me. However, I've come to realize that the best thing I can do for myself is to let go. Let go of memories and emotions I've been harboring against you. Revenge, as sweet as it could be, is no longer what I need to achieve, peace in my heart takes precedence now. No more illusions of why I was never able to be good enough to receive your love, for it was not my wrong doing. It was you, and your lack of knowing how to love someone who once upon a time cherished you more than you were capable of understanding. Like most young girls dreams, a time comes when they realize that they were nothing more than wishful thinking. With all that in mind, my last words ever to you, are as follows..

A pawn...that's what I am.
Between two people, a woman and a man.
They called themselves my parents, not someone I'd like to be.
I don't want to manipulate those I love, so I think I'll just be me.
Growing up, was always a tug -of - war.
Mom would say I was an asshole like him,
he'd say I was like her, a whore.
It sure was tough, always trying to win.
Win this one's love by doing that,
win that one's love by doing this.
Caught in the middle of two peoples game,
a pawn, always feeling shame.
Thinking someday, somehow, they would love me, and no more would I be their pawn.
Years have passed, since that fateful day,
when you finally went too far, and I said go away.
I went on and made a life of my own.
Never forgetting what you'd taught me to be,
spiteful, cruel and mean, never showing love, for it was not to be seen.
More years pass, and it dawns on me one day,
feeling black hatred within, hurts you in no way.
So, I tell myself and the Lord up above, I forgive him, send him my love.
It's all up to you now, take this burden I bear, show me the way to feel like I care.
In the months that have passed, I'd thought my heart had forgiven,
the pain only a distance in my memory.
The news came that you were ailing in health, the pain rushed back in,
as fresh and as new as the very first day I said I hated you.
Is this disease God's way of intervening? Divine retribution? My soul in healing?
That, I do not know, however this I do. I hope for your sake "He" has forgiven you!
For it is unimportant what I feel for you,
you proved long ago, I didn't matter to you.
It has been, a long and difficult journey, never having a dad.
Was I really that unlovable, or that bad?
It haunts me, even today, that my children and I, have been robbed,
a dad, a grandpa, forever, taken away.
You were never proud of any task that I did,
you always looked upon me with a weary yawn.
I understand now, why should you have been,
for I was merely a puppet, your own little pawn.
Today I stand tall, proud of who I've become, from you, yes I have learned....I've learned not to be a pawn. To give and show love freely, what a joyous release!
In my heart now, finally, I'm headed towards peace.
I want so badly to tell you I'm sorry, for not being good enough for you, for never being worthy. Those thoughts I've carried with me, ever since I can remember. If I am honest with myself though, I no longer feel that way. It was never me, all blame lays upon you. You were the hurtful one, who never did let a little girl, nor a young woman, know that her daddy was proud, or that he "really" did love her for just being herself. I've hated you for so long, always wishing for bad to come your way. But no more. You are a human being, which alone gives you the right to my sympathy, and my prayers at night. Even though, I can forgive but will never forget. When I close my eyes to pray at night,
you will be there, I'll be asking "Him" let that man be alright.
I want no contact, as I said 15 years ago, this is just my way of finally, letting you go.
No longer will I carry all the fear and doubt, of never being worthy of your love,
your praise, a daddy's arms wrapped about.  These worries, I now give to you,
it's your turn to be burdened, carry them with you.
May you be at peace, when the night turns to dawn, knowing,
I am no longer your pawn.