The time has
finally come for me to let go of my anger,
hurt and frustration as well as feelings of
being betrayed by you. I've carried my hatred
for you close to my heart for over a decade,
constantly remembering, reliving, refreshing
it to keep it's fire fed for the confrontation
with you. One that I have strategically
planned for in eager anticipation. My goal,
was to manipulate and hurt you in more ways
than you did me. However, I've come to realize
that the best thing I can do for myself is to
let go. Let go of memories and emotions I've
been harboring against you. Revenge, as sweet
as it could be, is no longer what I need to
achieve, peace in my heart takes precedence
now. No more illusions of why I was never able
to be good enough to receive your love, for it
was not my wrong doing. It was you, and your
lack of knowing how to love someone who once
upon a time cherished you more than you were
capable of understanding. Like most young
girls dreams, a time comes when they realize
that they were nothing more than wishful
thinking. With all that in mind, my last words
ever to you, are as follows..
pawn...that's what I am.
Between two people, a woman and a man.
They called themselves my parents, not someone
I'd like to be.
I don't want to manipulate those I love, so I
think I'll just be me.
Growing up, was always a tug -of - war.
Mom would say I was an asshole like him,
he'd say I was like her, a whore.
It sure was tough, always trying to win.
Win this one's love by doing that,
win that one's love by doing this.
Caught in the middle of two peoples game,
a pawn, always feeling shame.
Thinking someday, somehow, they would love me,
and no more would I be their pawn.
Years have passed, since that fateful day,
when you finally went too far, and I said go
I went on and made a life of my own.
Never forgetting what you'd taught me to be,
spiteful, cruel and mean, never showing love,
for it was not to be seen.
More years pass, and it dawns on me one day,
feeling black hatred within, hurts you in no
So, I tell myself and the Lord up above, I
forgive him, send him my love.
It's all up to you now, take this burden I
bear, show me the way to feel like I care.
In the months that have passed, I'd thought my
heart had forgiven,
the pain only a distance in my memory.
The news came that you were ailing in health,
the pain rushed back in,
as fresh and as new as the very first day I
said I hated you.
Is this disease God's way of intervening?
Divine retribution? My soul in healing?
That, I do not know, however this I do. I hope
for your sake "He" has forgiven you!
For it is unimportant what I feel for you,
you proved long ago, I didn't matter to you.
It has been, a long and difficult journey,
never having a dad.
Was I really that unlovable, or that bad?
It haunts me, even today, that my children and
I, have been robbed,
a dad, a grandpa, forever, taken away.
You were never proud of any task that I did,
you always looked upon me with a weary yawn.
I understand now, why should you have been,
for I was merely a puppet, your own little
Today I stand tall, proud of who I've become,
from you, yes I have learned....I've learned
not to be a pawn. To give and show love
freely, what a joyous release!
In my heart now, finally, I'm headed towards
I want so badly to tell you I'm sorry, for not
being good enough for you, for never being
worthy. Those thoughts I've carried with me,
ever since I can remember. If I am honest with
myself though, I no longer feel that way. It
was never me, all blame lays upon you. You
were the hurtful one, who never did let a
little girl, nor a young woman, know that her
daddy was proud, or that he "really"
did love her for just being herself. I've
hated you for so long, always wishing for bad
to come your way. But no more. You are a
human being, which alone gives you the right
to my sympathy, and my prayers at night. Even
though, I can forgive but will never forget.
When I close my eyes to pray at night,
you will be there, I'll be asking "Him"
let that man be alright.
I want no contact, as I said 15 years ago,
this is just my way of finally, letting you
No longer will I carry all the fear and
doubt, of never being worthy of your love,
your praise, a daddy's arms wrapped about.
These worries, I now give to you,
it's your turn to be burdened, carry them
May you be at peace, when the night turns to
I am no longer your pawn.